“You’ve got this life and while you’ve got it, you’d better kiss like you only have one moment, try to hold someone’s hand like you will never get another chance to, look into people’s eyes like they’re the last you’ll ever see, watch someone sleeping like there’s no time left, jump if you feel like jumping, run if you feel like running, play music in your head when there is none, and eat cake like it’s the only one left in the world!” –C. JOYBELL C.
Greetings, all you beautiful people! My Name is Alexis Orcutt. Welcome to my sanctuary.
Feel free to skim over what I’ve got here; it’s all the outpouring of what’s inside of me, and it doesn’t matter where you begin or where you stop reading, or if you read the whole thing or just let your eyes catch the key words. It’s all me, and I’m happy to share it with you!
“The world is exploding in emerald, sage, and lusty chartreuse – neon green with so much yellow in it. It is an explosive green that, if one could watch it moment by moment throughout the day, would grow in every dimension.” –AMY SEIDL
I’m like a kaleidoscope of vivid crystalline colors and shimmering shades of intensity which I couldn’t even dream of expressing adequately, but I’ll give it a shot! I like using quotes that represent some of my strongest beliefs, so enjoy or despise them as you will.
I’m intensely interested in psychology, particularly social and personality psychology. One of my obsessions is personality typing, because I find that mastering these systems can help someone really understand themselves and other people.
-My MBTI personality type is ENTP (Extroverted intuitive thinking perceiving)
-My enneagram personality type is type 7, the “Enthusiast”
If you’d like to know more about either of these typing systems, give me a shout.
Some adjectives to describe me include: childlike, optimistic, jovial, spontaneous, hilarious, competitive, rebellious, enthusiastic, ambitious, care-free, serene, romantic, sensual, sexual, confident, occasionally too arrogant and a tad bit naïve.
“When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.” –TECUMSEH
The best part of my personality, I think, is my infectious joie de vivre. This means that I am contagiously and relentlessly joyful about life. To some, this is a positive quality, and to others, it is an irritating character flaw. Therefore, you will either love me or want to kill me. But if you have a good sense of humor and like intellectual conversation, we’ll be the best of friends.
I tend to hang on the edges of a group of people — studying everyone, the dynamics between them — before I jump into a conversation. I’m a good listener, quite non-judgmental, and very easy-going. At the same time, I can be excitable, and am easily entertained. I love to make people laugh and lighten their mood.
I find everything about the world intensely amusing, as well as awe-inspiring. Of course, I get frustrated every now and then, just like anyone else. But I try not to let negative feelings invade my peace of mind, or my enjoyment of life. I want to travel the world, learn about many different cultures, taste different kinds of food, meet interesting and beautiful people, go skydiving, go snorkeling, and just experience whatever I can. That’s what life should be about. Trying things out. There’s no point in denying yourself pleasure and knowledge.
I’m a hopeless romantic, and I believe in the possibility that we all have a soul mate. Sometimes I look at the world through rose-colored glasses. I love nature and the good old outdoors. Chirping birds during a sunny day and chirping crickets during a warm summer night are the most beautiful things in the world to me. I pity those who can’t seem to grasp the endless beauty of life; there’s so much of it. It’s all so sweet and so pure, and there’s really nothing else like it.
“Laughter is wine for the soul – laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness – the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.” –Seán O’Casey
Laughter is my specialty. You’ve probably heard that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Have you also heard that if you frown too much during your life, your face will look like a bulldog around the lips when you get old?
I’ve done standup comedy, and I know that I definitely want to incorporate this form of comedy into my life in the future. Humor has been a huge tool of mine–even a weapon, at times–to throw in the face of hard times and difficult people.
My sense of humor can be described as light-hearted, teasing, and occasionally sarcastic. I like purely mental jokes, with clever punchlines or a heavy amount of shock at the twist (without being too vulgar or juvenile.) I’m playful and have been confronted as having a “twinkle” in my eyes when I’m truly happy. My smile is contagious, and I don’t hesitate to be cocky in saying that it’s a pretty addition to my face. But then again, I believe a good, genuine, eye-crinkling smile can make anyone’s face that of a cherub. The accusation of arrogance is not foreign to me, but luckily I don’t believe arrogance is necessarily a character flaw, unless it’s misguided cockiness. Embrace the things you love in yourself and damned be to anyone who berates you for being “too” confident.
“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” –STEPHEN KING
I’m a free spirit. I hate being bogged down in responsibility. Unfortunate? Perhaps, depending on how you look at it. I see my slightly rebellious nature as an opportunity to live my life to the fullest capacity, and live it in a way which I truly desire. I’ll never be accused of doing things to impress others. I do things that I enjoy, and when I love them, I put my all into them. Of course, I sacrifice a certain amount of discipline, which occasionally catches up with me in the form of lost sleep in order to make a deadline. But hell, I’m in good cheer.
Adventure. Can’t get enough. I’d never pass up the chance to take a sudden vacation with a truck of friends–but being that I have no money, I usually settle for picking a new, exotic restaurant instead of my favorite, familiar one. Still, if you want to go sail the Greek Isles at the last minute, I’m the one to call.
After all, you only live once, right?
Well, don’t you? Only live once? Isn’t life only worth living if you know that you’re enjoying yourself? This is debatable, but I fully believe that the answer is yes. Therefore, I try to have as much fun as I can. This can be anything from reading a good book by a fireplace, to going out on the town with a group of friends, to going ice-skating or cross-country skiing or sky-diving just for the thrills. But whatever I do, I try to make the best of it.
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” -Pablo Neruda
I’m a tad bit of a sweetheart. As I’ve said, I’m a hopeless romantic. I tend to ponder upon that love of my life, and our lives together. I like the thought of serenading her beneath the stars with a song I composed on my violin, or having our first kiss on a grassy hill under a warm sun with a picnic lunch spread out around us. I disgust myself sometimes. Why, I’m ferociously tender-hearted.
I’ve had rough experiences in matters of the heart, but I remain totally hopeful. Call me naïve; I welcome it. I’d rather be optimistic about love than too cynical, because idealists who dream are happy just to dream, even if the dreams don’t always come true. Pessimists don’t have anything to comfort them but their dark thoughts of the future.
Love, whether romantic or in friendship, is possibly the simplest feeling ever. It’s totally inexplicable in language, but it’s completely understandable when you let yourself feel it. It’s one of those things that hurts because it cuts you open and exposes you to the world. But if it works–if you get a click, a spark–you are merged in total euphoria that is unmatched.
I’m quite possibly the most physically affectionate person I know. I love cuddling, hugging, holding hands, kissing and cheek-rubbing, especially in public! I’m the freak who will attack you and squeeze you so tight you can’t breathe, just for no reason at all. Online, I’m kind of the same way, only virtually. If we become good enough friends, I’ll have many hugs and cuddles and full-on open-mouth friendly French kisses to shoot your way.
“Close friends contribute to our personal growth. They also contribute to our personal pleasure, making the music sound sweeter, the wine taste richer, the laughter ring louder because they are there.” –JUDITH VIORST
People make me very happy. If I’m not interacting with others, I find myself getting quite maudlin, morose, and even depressed. Talking to people always cheers me up, especially when the person is good natured. But I also like just a little bit of alone time, when I can think about my place in the universe. Too much alone time, however, makes me feel isolated, which I hate.
Obviously, I’m a people person. I adore people of all kinds. That’s why another passion of mine is making people laugh. That’s what I thrive on; laughter, and others’ joy. Call me cheeky; I don’t care. I find people simply fascinating, and all of them are awesome to me.
I think the human race would flourish if we all took the time to wonder: “Who are they? What’s their name? What’s their life like? What is their humor, their personality, and their interests like, and how did they get that way?” If we took the initiative to wonder about our fellow humans, even the stranger walking down the street or the asshole who just spilled coffee all over our new sweater, we’d have a greater appreciation and empathy for those outside of ourselves.
“What things there are to write, if one could only write them! My mind is full of gleaming thought; gay moods and mysterious, moth-like meditations hover in my imagination, fanning their painted wings. But always the rarest, those streaked with azure and the deepest crimson, flutter away beyond my reach.” –LOGAN PEARSALL SMITH
If you haven’t come to the conclusion yourself yet, I’ll take this opportunity to inform you that I’m a writer. I’ve been a story teller since I was about 4 or 5, and since I couldn’t write, I’d drive my mother crazy making her write my stories on paper and stapling them into books almost every night. I’ve always retained many multi-colored fabrics of stories in the electrically buzzing recesses of my brain, right there on the edge of my consciousness, where I can yank at one and bring it into the light every now and then, just to squeeze the maximum amount of potential and beauty from it before it’s discarded with the others. I’m violent in my passion for words and stories–these are the eloquence of humanity, the way we have been gifted for the chance to express our emotions, fears, dreams, desires and hopes for the world that lives on after we’re no more than dust under the dirt.
And so, with that passion, I write with a ferocious intensity, almost an urgency to get down my thoughts before they’re lost in the darkness forever. Think about it: if you don’t write down your ideas, they die long before you do. They’re like little lightning bugs in your head, begging you to release them, because if you don’t, no one on the outside would ever have an inkling that they existed in the first place.
That’s why I love writing. It’s expression. It’s gorgeous if it comes straight from the depth of yourself. That’s another thing that separates us from other animals; we can influence the world by forcing our minds into it, if we take the time to do it.
“Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.” –PLATO
I’m also a musician. I’ve been playing the violin for 9 years, and I happily admit my long-lived passion for this beautiful little instrument. I’m also pretty good. Generally I like whipping out the fiddle when I’m feeling sentimental, or especially emotional in any way. I’ve learned over time and lots of practice how to force a real voice from this piece of wood with strings; I’ve learned to make the damn thing sing. (Ooh, that rhymed.) The pretty, full, ringing sound of it uplifts me, or just enriches my emotions so that I’m able to feel them more intensely and more genuinely than I did just a minute before.
I play the drums. This, I think, is where my real talent lies. I’m a good violinist, but I’m perhaps a better drummer. I’ve been playing for almost a year–not nearly as long as the violin. But as soon as I picked up the sticks and wacked on the round faces of the drums, something was unleashed in me, something wild and instinctual, like a lion on a hunt. I let fly, and so I met one of my great loves. I kind of let everything go on the drums. It’s not like the release on the violin, but more raw than that, maybe more angry, but certainly more honest. I believe drumming runs in my blood, pounds in my heartbeat, because my father was a great drummer in a band, and my older brother is a pretty good drummer too. I’m happily following them in the legacy.
“My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.” –ALBERT EINSTEIN
Atheism may seem to many people, especially those who are religious, to be a cynical worldview, only for pessimistic heathens who don’t have the heart to believe in God. That’s where the term “agnostic” stems from; people’s falsely negative understanding of atheism. In truth, atheists are not mean, horrible people who stand outside of churches and sneer at the hymns, knowing for a certainty that darkness is all that is waiting for us after death. Atheists only say “I don’t know, but I’d love to find out if I could.”
Actually, the moment I embraced atheism (which literally defined just means without the belief in a god,) I became lighter. I have the freedom to love myself completely, without attributing my creation to someone else. I no longer feel like a terrible person when I think “wow, I’m awesome…and it’s all because of me. I’m brilliant because of me. I’m beautiful because of me.” I’ve also learned to recognize that this world is truly miraculous. No one waved a wand and drew in the aching sweetness of each detail of the universe. It happened, and we are thriving. We are here, against all odds, to enjoy it. And we can take the responsibility, whether good or bad, for what it’s become.
Though I’m not a religious person, I am a spiritual person. I like to think we’re all connected by a universal spirit–the love of life, joy, and humanity. The tender beauty of collectivism blended with the sparks of individualism connect us, as if we’re all joined by our hands. After death, it’s a sweet dream that we’ll all live on–in the grass, in the sky, in the trees, in the wind, in the sun, in the gleaming water and in every living thing on the earth.
I totally respect everyone’s right to believe in what they do. Actually, it’s awesome that we have that freedom of thought. I do enjoy debate, particularly that of the religious variety, but only in a good natured manner. I have no desire to convert anyone to thinking like me, only to enlighten others about the diversity of the human mind.
“Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping… waiting… and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir… open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us… guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred… the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we’d be truly dead.” –JOSS WHEDON
I’ve talked about my stance on love, now I’ll talk about sex!
Well, kind of.
I’m sex positive, meaning I totally support and embrace everyone’s sexual freedom and decision. I believe that all humans have the absolute right to explore their sexual desires and express their love and/or attraction in any way, shape, or form (between consentual adults, of course.)
I’m a very passionate person. Before romance comes passion, generally speaking. I llike the fiery nature of a burning flame, a flickering spark, the hot licks of consumption that devour you when you get a true, uncontained desire.
I’m not even just talking in terms of people here. I’m talking about a passion for anything, from sexual enthusiasm to a love of music or science. That thing that puts a sparkle in your eye–that’s what I want to nourish in you!
That’s the thing I’d love to let warm me and another person, or several other great beautiful people. The passion for life and love, the desire for physical contact and physical acknowledgement, while we’re vital and alive in this moment to feed the fire.
“Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.” –VIRGINIA WOOLF
Speaking of passion, I have a passion for knowledge. Socrates was the one who said: “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” I whole-heartedly agree. The only way to learn anything knew is to understand that right now, you don’t actually know much. There’s such an overwhelming wealth of knowledge out there, like a boundless library of big expansive books, and just cracking one open, or even just touching one, will help the facts and emotions of this complex world seap into your body.
But first, you should probably read. Too many people don’t enjoy reading. They’d rather watch TV until they sink into a mindless stupor of cotton insulation, wrapping them up and separating them from the sharp clarity of life. In books, you’re forced to recognize and utilize your vast imagination. Visualize what’s happening. Take a stance on the issues addressed. figure out how the story applies to your life, and what the author wants you to do about it. This is too much for some people, but personally I love it. Knowledge is totally power!
Careful, though. I believe it was a Chinese proverb which cautioned us not to believe everything we read. If we do, perhaps we shouldn’t be reading at all.
“…it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It’s an artist’s right to rebel against the world’s stupidity.” –E.A. BUCCHIANERI
Ihope that one day there will exist a world wherein a person can go when they don’t conform to society’s arbitrary standards of normality. If you feel like you’re attracted to the same sex, you’re safe. If your sexuality is totally fluid, or you want to explore it, your accepted. Even if your a gender bender, or even transgender, or you reject the idea of gender and sexuality altogether…your okay!
Out in the world, you’re ok as long as you don’t throw a glitch in other people’s perfect little image of the world. If you can’t be put neatly in a box or category, you scare people. You’re cast out like a bad orange in a batch of good ones.
I get really damn sick of being the bad orange. So I gave up trying to be like others a long time ago. I know with the entirety of my being that I love and am attracted to women in the most natural, unforced way. I know too that I’m an androgynous female–bearing a pleasant blend of masculinity and feminity–but perhaps more masculine traits than is “normal” for girls, and I’m an atheist. I love these parts of myself, just like I love every other part of me. That doesn’t mean I feel that I must acknowledge them constantly. I rarely ever think about my sexuality unless it’s brought up, because I’ve learned to accept the beauty of it, and the inevitability of it in me. It’s just another one of the many colors that piece together my lovely kaleidoscope.
So if I piss people off, or confuse them, I say “Good.” It could do them good to step outside of their simple pretty world of black and white. If I decide one day to explore sleeping with men, that’s my prerogative as well, and no one in the queer community have a right to to ostracize me for the experimentation.
When I was young I was often told by my family, particularly my mother, that I should just try to be “normal.” I was a blind child who was already placing a larger burden on my mother’s shoulders than I would have otherwise, with my need for surgeries and expensive doctor’s appointments, perpetually evolving vision prescriptions and coke-bottle glasses, mobility lessons and special instructors for the visually impaired. I created a problem where before there was none, and my mom took this problem without so much as a whisper of protest. Still, anything I did beyond being disabled was seen as just another layer of abnormality to top the cake. I had to begin wanting to dress and act like a little boy, and insist on changing my name because I hated mine. I had to go and be attracted to other girls and be just a bit too outspoken and argumentative to suit my mother’s “don’t rock the boat” mentality. I questioned everything, from God to gender to the concept of prejudice and privilege in society. I had to be contrary and loud about it. Now I’m open about my love of other women and being a gender outlaw, BDSM and polyamory, atheism and politics, even if it’s hard to voice these ideas without massive amounts of opposition sometimes. I refuse to become meak like I was before when I just didn’t want to make my mother’s life difficult. When my family goes on a tangent about how improper and disgusting it is to not shave my legs, I smile and say “I don’t care.”
“It was such a spring day as breathes into a man an ineffable yearning, a painful sweetness, a longing that makes him stand motionless, looking at the leaves or grass, and fling out his arms to embrace he knows not what.” –JOHN GALSWORTHY
My favorite season is spring. It’s the season of life, birth and rebirth. It’s the season in which flowers bloom, the sun sneaks from its hiding place, and the air tastes and feels sweeter, breathing life into everything again, like blowing on your hands to warm them. I love the sensory opening in spring. I go through a sort of transformation around this time of year, kind of like a caterpillar breaking from its cocoon to flutter away in style, as a butterfly. I’m hideous in the winter; I’m gorgeous the rest of the year, all thanks to spring.
“It’s time to make love, douse the glim; The fireflies twinkle and dim; The stars lean together Like birds of a feather, And the loin lies down with the limb.” –CONRAD AIKEN
Things I couldn’t live without: morning sun shining through the windows, an Orange Julius on a sunny day, hot chocolate on Christmas, coffee in the morning, the twitter of birds and the chirping of crickets, the gurgling giggles of babies and the belly laughter of adults, running shoes, peppermint gum, a new story to write and a new book to look forward to.
Little things I love: cherry chapstick, ball caps, cheese and crackers, fireflies, babies, disco balls, granola bars, jokes, country music, dumbbells and words which rhyme.
Themes of my life: justice for the underdog, exacting revenge over those who intimidate me, enjoying the simplicities in life, free will and free-spirit, and the pursuit of knowledge.
People in my head:
the enthusiastic humming bird; happily flitting from one fanciful idea to the NEXT.
Cocky bastard; bragging, charming, and a bit too arrogant.
the knight in shining armor; needing friends to protect, a princess to save, and a dragon to slay.
Romeo; daring me to present twelve red roses to her, kiss her hand, recite poetry about her beauty.
The golden retriever; wants to cuddle, wants to let them see her compassion, wants to persuade them she cares, but not sure how to.
The devil’s advocate; egging me on, explaining why everyone else is wrong and why the risk is worth it.
The fretful child; crying and shaking in fear of the terrors that have not yet been revealed.
“My knight may not wear a coat of shining armor, but his code of glowing honor will never fail to protect us both from evils far worse than any fire-breathing dragon.” –RICHELLE E. GOODRICH
I live by a code of chivalry, of sorts. Like King Arthur’s code of chivalry, I basically believe that I should always stand up for my values and protect the weak and innocent. I’ll respect those who deserve my respect, and stand by a friend no matter what. It may seem terribly old-fashioned of me, but hell, it’s a great philosophy to live by.
I chose the name Alexis for myself because it means “defender.” The sound of it is strong, sturdy, and brave. It makes me think of a warrior going into battle, protecting those behind her, brandishing a gleaming sword. This is how I like to think of myself; I lived all my life being timid and fearful because of my disability, and I didn’t discover the joy of true friendship until I was much older. Now, my life goal is to embody my name–a courageous warrior, a strong fighter, a wild spirit.
“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” –ALBERT CAMUS
And so I bid you fair well, to enjoy the beauty that is you and that is the world and its roses, its breezes, its sun. I’m always there if you want to chat or just a friend to be there. I love and adore all of you, and thanks for stopping by.
“If I am to be fallen into love, I will. And if as a result I will appear to be stupid, disillusioned, and of poor judgment, I will. And I would be damned if I cared what other people think. For I would rather be thought of as all of these things, than not love. If in loving, I become the naked woman on the horse, I will ride that horse with my head held high. This is my spirit. I am unbreakable.” –C. JOYBELL C.